I am but fourteen days away from the county I spent six years calling home. Yea!
This week, next week, and the week after will be a living hell though. Some are even comparing it to the dreaded 1st Semester Race from our senior years. While I don't see it as quite as evil, I won't gloss it over for you. These three weeks are no walk in the park.
You see, in college, you have to balance everything for yourself. You have choices and freedom. This should be a good thing. A glorious thing. And at times it is, but not now. These are the days that you wish you had the structure of high school life. You knew when school was starting and when school was ending, and your parents weren't about to let you out of the house if you had yet to study for your exams. Structure is a glorious thing, Sweetheart. In college, the development of structure is left up to you, and after fourteen years of schooling, you throw the thought of building layouts away and run around trying to rid your life of monotony. Mistake! Finals week begins to shine on you in the darkest of lights, and you begin searching your drawers for the plans you threw out so many weeks before. Now your calendar is filled to the brim with parties, meetings, club outings, appointments, television programs, comedy troupes, sports, and movie releases. The balance is thrown off by the dawning of exams and you're lost. You begin plugging in the exam dates and assignments and projects; start deleting anything that doesn't appear academic for fear of failing after so long. Your new home becomes the library with coffee as your only fuel source. Sweats and flip-flops, the new fashion. And though every single person around you is going though the same way, you feel alone. You lash out at others for their supposedly amazing exam schedule or preparedness. You cling to the fun you can by actually hosting cram parties and all-night trips to the dining halls. You begin to see examinations as big events with chances to see friends or to really see how far you can push the boundaries of your pen. Is it really possible to take every exam with just one? Is it possible for sweat to smell of vanilla bean? Does marking C down the middle guarantee anything? And then it's over. You look back at yourself in the mirror and wonder when you last bothered to shower or even cared about personal hygiene. Your stomach growls and you have to think about the last time you had a substantial meal. You want to shower. You want to eat something. You want to pack for home. But all you can do is look at your bed and wonder if anyone else can hear it calling you. You don't care. You go for it. Kicking off your flip-flops, you run for the bed and bury yourself in the sheets. The sweet bliss of cheap sheets...
Going through old e-mails from over the summer, and finding stuff I forgot i even wrote. If you can't tell from the writing, I had an odd summer. lol.
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Sad eyes, do you even notice that her eyes have grown cloudy lacking the attractive luster of before eyes that once captivated your thoughts have lost their color, their beauty eyes that once darkened with lust have nothing bu grey closing off her soul eyes that once showed the truth behind lies no longer have emotion your lack of connection destroys her taking the best out of her can you reach out to her bring her back into the darkness of a bedroom of your auto-focused eyes
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And no one is going to understand Many of them don't want to Can you blame them This stretching of the mind Bending of moral constraints Is too far beyond them And they beat me down for it Claiming that this can never be true Yet he makes it more real than life He takes a dream and makes it real I can't listen to the rants and raves From those closest to me While they once applauded my efforts Pushing me closer Asking me to go for a goal And now that I am near the finish line The prize more than within my grasps They back away Pulling me away in search of something else In search of someone else And after pushing for so long After becoming so goal-oriented I'm not going to back away from this It's almost wrong to hate them for it And I wish that I didn't but I have no choice At some point I'll leave them forever Just to escape their criticism And it's not as painful as I imagined.
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Lessons of My Youth
Just another letter to you Never to be sealed, stamped, delivered Finding the same fate as the others A dusty resting place in the corner of my desk This one's purpose not unlike the others Questions I failed to ask when face-to-face But how would you receive such comments as these Asking if it is healthy to not want to share you just yet? That for once in my life I'm content Exhilirated, and distressed all in one And I don't want to share that magic source With anyone just yet
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Life is A Chance
Could I write you this final letter With the intention of never delivering Tell you that I never wish to see you again Lie back in your presence And remeninse of the past days' events Would you take my silence as an answer And stay so far away That I never catch the faint whisper of your aftershave The sudden warmth from a missed embrace Could you handle never speaking to me again If I told you that anything more than 2-D Would break me into a million pieces To be scattered into the ocean And never heard from again Would you, if I asked you to? Could you, if I wanted you to? Should you, when I say I need you to? Even though you know That even without a word I love you so much more Than any day before Would I be able to finish Could I seal this envelope Should I mail this away
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My Soul's Punishment
It hurts more than you know Needing you Putting so much trust in you Just to have it turned into a joke A beautiful tearful laugh by you And I want so desperately to hate you for it For the tears that fall from my eyes Not nearly as becoming as your own I don't think this can work much longer I don't think my soul can take this kind of punishment My heart is breaking My mind is trying so hard to twist your words Read between the lines when there lies nothing but space This hurts too much to be real And I wish I didn't need you as much as I do But my soul feeds off of your words and looks And it's tearing me to pieces There's no more fuel in this engine And I fear the end But I can't go on needing you like I do
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Uncharacteristically Us
Tell me there is nothing wrong With wanting to keep a tight hold on you I'll let you do your traveling Let you search for yourself Find your comfort and sanity Buried in the distant lands of this fair country But every moment shared Only lends to the declaration Of you are as mine as I am yours Can you bear to tell me any different When you know from experience That the one you want leaning over you Is no one other than me And to see another face Only brings disappointment So allow me to hold you a little tighter Allow me this last hug, this final kiss As we exchange a teary goodbye So uncharacteristically us For time should be only a physical boundary Though I'm tempted to call out our name Hoping you'll hear me and find me Knees to my chest and tears on my face Desperate for you Can you tell me that is so wrong?
This whole thing Impossible, illogical, irresponsible Yet desirable, oh, so desirable But she's left non-functioning Brought to a halt by a sentence After years of talking No failing, Always promising But this one sentence This is where she falters Brought to her knees in confusion After defeating every other proposition Here is her past and the sad realization That while she can forget, he still sees All she never wants to be
She's struggling under the weight Everything she has and everything she doesn't Causing her to more than wonder Am I giving up too much of myself Or not giving him enough She's taking in everything he's willing to give And ignoring the heat of their arguments Pretending it's heat from tomorrow's sunrise...
There should be more here, but I can't figure out how to end this one. :(
